Over the last couple of days there has been much debate about forgiveness, especially with relevance to what happened at Raia. But this is not a new debate. The same debate comes up each time a criminal is hanged or he somehow escapes the law. We would be eager to forgive a politician but we would not be so eager to forgive a rapist. What determines how we forgive and when we can say the situation is forgiveness worthy?
For the victim:
1) Forgiveness sets the victim free. There is no doubt about this. Once you forgive, you move on. You heal. Always strive for this.
2) Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. The quote 'forgive and forget' is flawed. Learn from your experience and start afresh based on what you have learnt. If a situation or person continues to hurt you, you may forgive but you must walk away from them to protect yourself. Often people enslave themselves to a negative situation because of relationships, financial limitations, etc. These are your limitations that you need to work on and are separate from the situation causing you pain. An abused child needs to become independent and walk away from an abusive family. A physically beaten or mentally tortured woman needs to consider if it is worth supporting that marriage. A mother whose children suffer needs to consider if she needs to protect her children by fighting back or moving away.
3) Recalibrate your life. Most wicked people will prefer to stop talking, verbally abuse or gossip rather than discuss and sort things. Recognize that and reconfigure your life around these changes. If you keep clinging to the hope that other people will make things right, they win and you remain unhappy.
4) If the person doing you wrong approaches you for forgiveness, do not reconcile easily. Recognize if they are repentant. Recognize that they will do what is required to fix things. Do not give in to people who apologize just for the sake of it. They will hurt you again. Forgiveness is an expensive thing, it is not for cheap people.
5) When you reconcile do it with gladness. Invest time and effort in helping rebuild a new trust, faith and confidence. While you heal when you forgive, when reconciliation happens the situation heals. Never talk of the bitter past again
6) Pray, get help from counselling or even go to a doctor. You need to get out of this situation fast. For yourself. For those good people who still surround you.
7) Love yourself. You are far more valuable to waste yourself on people trying to pull you down.
1) Forgiveness sets the victim free. There is no doubt about this. Once you forgive, you move on. You heal. Always strive for this.
2) Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. The quote 'forgive and forget' is flawed. Learn from your experience and start afresh based on what you have learnt. If a situation or person continues to hurt you, you may forgive but you must walk away from them to protect yourself. Often people enslave themselves to a negative situation because of relationships, financial limitations, etc. These are your limitations that you need to work on and are separate from the situation causing you pain. An abused child needs to become independent and walk away from an abusive family. A physically beaten or mentally tortured woman needs to consider if it is worth supporting that marriage. A mother whose children suffer needs to consider if she needs to protect her children by fighting back or moving away.
3) Recalibrate your life. Most wicked people will prefer to stop talking, verbally abuse or gossip rather than discuss and sort things. Recognize that and reconfigure your life around these changes. If you keep clinging to the hope that other people will make things right, they win and you remain unhappy.
4) If the person doing you wrong approaches you for forgiveness, do not reconcile easily. Recognize if they are repentant. Recognize that they will do what is required to fix things. Do not give in to people who apologize just for the sake of it. They will hurt you again. Forgiveness is an expensive thing, it is not for cheap people.
5) When you reconcile do it with gladness. Invest time and effort in helping rebuild a new trust, faith and confidence. While you heal when you forgive, when reconciliation happens the situation heals. Never talk of the bitter past again
6) Pray, get help from counselling or even go to a doctor. You need to get out of this situation fast. For yourself. For those good people who still surround you.
7) Love yourself. You are far more valuable to waste yourself on people trying to pull you down.
For the aggressor:
1) Should you do wrong and feel the need to heal a situation spend time on reflection before apologies or wailing. Do not approach the person you believe you have wronged till you are ready.
2) There are three steps to an apology (From an Oprah show). I am sorry. It was my fault. How can I make it right?
3) Your apology has no meaning if you are not sorry. Where pride and ego abound, you won’t even get to this step. You will just be sitting and thinking of reasons why what you did was ok. These reasons when rethought after a few days will seem ridiculous even to you but will permanently damage efforts at reconciliation.
4) Your apology is a falsehood if it does not take ownership of the mistake you may have intentionally or inadvertently committed. An apology that goes "I am sorry but........" is no apology at all and will probably end up in an argument. Most attempts at reconciliation end here.
5) Make it right. This is the most important part of an apology. Make it right. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not free. If you stole a pen, give back two. If you missed a birthday, remember the next birthday and anniversary too. Remember you are wiping off the victims hurt by overcompensating with goodness. Common sense. Invest time and effort in helping rebuild a new trust, faith and confidence.
6) Most of us will apologize and get very upset that they are not forgiven. You cannot DEMAND forgiveness. You will have to make right as much as you believe balances the situation. If the person you have hurt does not agree to what you must do to make it right, then do your best and leave it. A word of caution though. Our ego often fools us into thinking that the little we give is a lot compared to what it actually is. People will rationalize with explanations such as, "At least he or she came, it must have cost them so much". You may be king of your castle but to the person you have hurt, you are someone that they do not value. A little humility goes a long way.
7) If the other person has hurt you too, that is a separate thing. It cannot be appended to your apology. "I am sorry but I was pushed to it....." is no apology at all either. Do right from your side.
1) Should you do wrong and feel the need to heal a situation spend time on reflection before apologies or wailing. Do not approach the person you believe you have wronged till you are ready.
2) There are three steps to an apology (From an Oprah show). I am sorry. It was my fault. How can I make it right?
3) Your apology has no meaning if you are not sorry. Where pride and ego abound, you won’t even get to this step. You will just be sitting and thinking of reasons why what you did was ok. These reasons when rethought after a few days will seem ridiculous even to you but will permanently damage efforts at reconciliation.
4) Your apology is a falsehood if it does not take ownership of the mistake you may have intentionally or inadvertently committed. An apology that goes "I am sorry but........" is no apology at all and will probably end up in an argument. Most attempts at reconciliation end here.
5) Make it right. This is the most important part of an apology. Make it right. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not free. If you stole a pen, give back two. If you missed a birthday, remember the next birthday and anniversary too. Remember you are wiping off the victims hurt by overcompensating with goodness. Common sense. Invest time and effort in helping rebuild a new trust, faith and confidence.
6) Most of us will apologize and get very upset that they are not forgiven. You cannot DEMAND forgiveness. You will have to make right as much as you believe balances the situation. If the person you have hurt does not agree to what you must do to make it right, then do your best and leave it. A word of caution though. Our ego often fools us into thinking that the little we give is a lot compared to what it actually is. People will rationalize with explanations such as, "At least he or she came, it must have cost them so much". You may be king of your castle but to the person you have hurt, you are someone that they do not value. A little humility goes a long way.
7) If the other person has hurt you too, that is a separate thing. It cannot be appended to your apology. "I am sorry but I was pushed to it....." is no apology at all either. Do right from your side.
One thing to remember is that in the end it is between the victim and the aggressor to work together and heal the 'situation'. Of all the people that you try to involve, most will laugh at you behind your back. We often get bulldozed into confusion by the people around us.
God is often invoked in such a situation and perhaps in the end it is only HIM who can change hearts. But God also remains the person most abused in this situation. When a man hits his wife, people quote 1 Peter 3:1-6. They forget 1 Peter 3:7. Childern suffering abuse will be forced to endure citing Ephesians 6: 1-3. Ephesians 6:4 will be forgotten.
This is the season of Lent. Forgive. Reconcile or move on. Be happy. That is God's ultimate will for us.
God is often invoked in such a situation and perhaps in the end it is only HIM who can change hearts. But God also remains the person most abused in this situation. When a man hits his wife, people quote 1 Peter 3:1-6. They forget 1 Peter 3:7. Childern suffering abuse will be forced to endure citing Ephesians 6: 1-3. Ephesians 6:4 will be forgotten.
This is the season of Lent. Forgive. Reconcile or move on. Be happy. That is God's ultimate will for us.
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