Why the Mona Lisa Smiles!

Disclaimer and Dedication: This Post is dedicated to all my wonderful lady friends, none of whom even remotely resemble the below (I hope). Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely Coincidental. Specially dedicated to that wonderful friend who offered me a stipend and free meals to be her ‘keep’ after marriage. I am still in shock.

Many, many years ago, a woman went shopping and came back with an apple from the Forbidden tree. Her dude, Adam was having a pretty chill time in Eden, enjoying an exhibitionist lifestyle, eating food of choice and drinking that amazing stock of one year old grape juice that they now call wine. Eve gave Adam a bite of this taboo fruit and got him into deep shit for no fault of his. I suspect she knew what she was doing all along cos the moment they ate the fruit, she had this urge to go shopping for clothes. Since Eden had limited design houses, specializing only in fig leaves, she decided to quit the place and scout around for a few thousand years till Gucci, Armani and Valentino gave them more options.
A few millennia later, nothing much has changed. While they were waiting, she just about forced him to have a few billion children. They can now choose their apple, be it ‘California Red’ or ‘Golden Delicious’. And she still shops for clothes and gets him to work hard to pay for them. Eves and Adams still date each other and hate each other with the same frequency. Eve still gets Adam into all sorts of mischief, never apologies and never gives a damn about Adam’s choice in the matter. The saga continues……………………..

In my half a lifetime of dealing with women, I have learnt exactly nothing! As sister, lover, friend, relative, etc they still remain an enigma.
To understand a woman is just about as hard as it to drive a stretch Limo on Indian roads. I am told I am very perceptive by nature, so here is a listing on how to handle certain situations which arise in your dealings with this ‘can’t live with, can’t live without’ aspect of a young man’s life.
>> GIRLFRIEND:She asks you, “How do I look?’:
Logically this would warrant a pretty frank answer based on your comparisons with certain magazines that you used to view a lot when in Hostel. But then you would not want to hurt her either.
So you tell her she looks good.
She turns around and asks you “Just good?”
Woopsie! Danger!!! This is the part where you are supposed to call 108 and get yourself admitted to a remote hospital in Bihar with absolutely no visitation hours. But you are a child of Adam and the Y chromosome just does not support this initiative, so you say
“Dropdead Gorgeous”
She stares at you and says, “You’re just saying this to make me happy”
“Honest, you say. You will make Marisa and Gabrielle so jealous!!!”
Something tells you that somewhere nearby, something akin to a pressure cooker explosion is about to happen. She gives you a 30 second stare and screams,
“Why do you have to think of Marisa now? I know you always had this thing for her. Don’t think I’m a fool (You chuckle inside). And Gabrielle? Why, she is such a wannabe. She dresses like a *&^% and she must have been dating the whole college and the staff !
Blah, blah, blah, blah, CRASH, blah, blah, blah, blah, SOB, blah blah blah!
You wonder why the Catholic Church does extend the Last Sacrament to situations like this. Eventually you head out for a drink and a fun night at the club with your chums!!!
>>GIRLFRIEND:You tell her, “I need to watch that game this afternoon”
“Sure”, she says
30 minutes into the second half of the game. Arsenal is already getting thrashed by MU. You can’t bear it!
Your heart is in your mouth as MU is about to open it’s score. Suddenly you hear
“Did you know, Tanya has dry skin?”
Huh? “No”, you grunt but the voice of doom persists
“She has been trying to know where I get my skin treated. She has been dying to get my secrets…………………..Are you listening?”
“Gimme 15 minutes, then we’ll talk!”
Woopsie! It would have been better the stadium had collapsed under the weight of those overfed English fans before you said that
“I just asked you as question, you never have time for me……………..” Shut your ears
“5 minutes is all I asked for, and you just watch that stupid game”. You turn off the TV.
“Why did you turn it off. You wanna make me feel guilty?”. You turn it on.
“See, football is all you care about, you don’t understand me at all. All my life………………………………….”
You suddenly feel like taking a 2 hour dump in the sanctuary of ‘loo’ and it saves your life!
>>SISTER: You ask her, “Can I borrow your hair dryer, Snoopy (the dog) got wet playing in the rain with us”
Monologue
“Snoopy got wet? Oh the poor darling. Look at him. He might catch pneumonia (or diphtheria, whooping cough, Parkinson’s etc etc)”
“Get him dry, quick. Why did you take him in the rain? YOU ALWAYS DO THIS”
2 minutes silence
“Why do you need my dryer? He is YOUR dog. Why should you use MY dryer? Why don’t you buy one. All that money that you waste on nights out with your rogue friends who look like holocaust survivors. Except for Edgar who is not bad looking and has a cute dimpled smile. Is he seeing someone? Why are you smirking? I’m just asking. Don’t you dare suggest something. Can’t I have my own life? It’s my life and my choice and you have no right to poke your nose. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS”
Snoopy gives a majestic sneeze
“Why don’t you dry him quickly? He already looks sick. Poor fellow, poor Snoopy, Snoopy, Baby, koochie koochie koo”
“Hey, why is he going into my room? Don’ you dare let him in! I won’t stand it. ALWAYS DO THIS. Just because Mama favours you does not mean you can do what you want. Don’t take me for granted just because I’m a girl. Girls can do anything these days”
30 second silence
“Can you carry out those boxes? They are too heavy for me and I may chip my fingernails”
>>MIDDLE AGED SINGLE WOMAN: You ask (You had cranial malfunction that day), “What plans for the weekend?”
Monologue again
“Nothing much”
3 minutes of thought!
“Maybe I’ll go shopping for a new dress. But I feel so guilty cos I have so many nice clothes, you know everybody looks at me only. They say, I look hot”
“They keep asking me to get married but you just can’t marry anyone you know. You have to be careful. I’d prefer to be single than marry just about anyone without knowing them first”
I recollect her daily visitations to Shaadi.com but decide not to mention it
“In fact, last year (I know for sure it was 5 years back), I got so many(Actually, only one) Valentine day cards from people (From Jason Pereira who looks like Winston Churchill and has passed 7th standard after seven attempts).But I think this is all rubbish, you know”
“Valentines, day is for children only. I don’t believe in all this. I will only see someone who looks like……………..maybe Chandler and should at least be a post graduate!”
Phone rings.
“Hello”
“Jason, I’m fine”
“Valentine’s day dinner? Sure, I’ll come”
My mind goes back to the sexy Renee Zelwegger and the Bridget Jones diary.

There is much more that can be said about these wonderful companions to Man. Truly God was ‘taking a dig’, at my ribs when he made them. And going by Genesis, that is literally true, I believe. No matter what you do, you always get it wrong. A few deviants do exist but those are all my dedicated friends and I reserve them for personal attentions and affections only. So buddies, you are doomed. Now you know why the Mona Lisa smiles. A woman always has the last laugh……………………………………………